I miss you.
I miss us.
I miss who I am when I’m with you.
I love you.
I love us.
I love who I am when I’m with you.
I wish I knew:
What can I do.
How could I do.
What can I say.
How to stop you from drifting away.
And I wish you knew it all, too.
- me: why are those guys staring at me
- me: is there something on my face
- me: is there something on my shirt
- me: they're probably laughing at how ugly i am
- me: they probably find it amusing how fat i am
- friend: maybe they think you're cute
- me: are you retarded or something
This morning I thought about where I was last December, who I was last Christmas, and the more I thought about it the more I realized how important it is to sometimes stop and actually consider what a long way you’ve come. It’s so easy to let the weeks pass by one by one without realizing how much progress you’re actually doing. Therefore, I will try something new this week.
This week, instead of always striving to be someone better, be something more, I will consider what a long way I’ve come and what an amazing journey it’s been. Instead of seeing all my flaws when I look in the mirror, I will choose to see how this body got me from there to here, how it has survived more than I ever thought it could, and how it’s still fighting with me. Instead of being scared of saying something wrong or being misunderstood, I will speak straight from heart and hope that people will take me as I am, and if they don’t, I will try to not blame myself.
This week, instead of being ashamed of my weaknesses, I will choose to be proud of my strengths, and I suggest you do the same. After all, life is way too short to be anything but happy. Have a beautiful Monday creatures <3
Im so destructive right now that I just threw my mobile on the wall and watched as it crashed and fell into pieces on the floor.
Wish I could do that to my own skull, while the ghost of me watched the scene.
If he were alive, he would turn 50.
It’s been one year and seven months since he’s passed.
The memory of him, slowly fading. The sound of his footsteps downstairs, his voice calling out my name, the way I felt whenever he danced with me - slowly fading away. Fading into somewhere I can’t reach to pull it all back.
Dad, where are you? Are you watching over me? Can’t you see your daughter’s so full of unanswered questions, fears and doubts?
I miss you so much. I feel like someone just grabbed my heart out with one’s bare hands. And mom feels so empty. She came to Brazil because of you, how dare you leave her so alone?
I miss you so much. I can’t believe I’ve just gone through more than a year without you. It feels like yesterday you were telling me to study more, but it feels so distant, too…
I miss you so much. Did you know your son is now living in Rio? It’s just mom and I now. It’s not easy. She misses you like hell. I can hear her crying in her bedroom every night. Then I cry, too. It’s a neverending pain, you know?
Our dog still goes outside at 8pm waiting for you to come back home from work. Every single day.
It gets worse and worse. I feel like I fell through some weird hole, like Alice’s, but I didn’t end up in Wonderland, I ended up in Nightmareland.
I just need your hug, your wisdom words and you to say that it will all be ok.
Please, dad. Come back.
I don’t know what the hell happened to pop music.
writing about your feelings and then putting ‘idk’ at the end so you don’t sound like a faggot
Its a shame everyone is driven by what people look like and not that’s inside anymore, all i see is re-blogs of people who are models or obviously good looking, they could be horrible, jealous, nasty and ugly on the inside? the problem with fan girls and boys, your all quite stupid and reality and what actual people are like (this is just personal opinions by the way, my blog my rules)
These past few years without you around have been torturous. My life has changed in ways no one could have ever forseen.
Since I’ve movedback to our hometown, nothing’s been stable, and yet, it all seems the same, at the surface. Our insides change, but we still act the same, afraid of being rejected or whatever. I don’t really know.
I miss you. I miss you a lot.
And I’m sorry I couldn’t take care of your brother as I promised. I failed in every aspect I shouldn’t have. I don’t know what I did, but it all went away! Our friendship, our partnership, it sank down - to a place I couldn’t reach to try to pull it all back up.
I hope now you can take care of him the way I should have. I miss you both. All of good times together, they just keep getting blurrier, no matter how hard I try to not let them fade. And it’s making my soul fade away too. I don’t know.
I just wish things were like they were back in the days.
Hope you’re resting well.
Hugs and tons of love your way.
Sometimes I have a way of getting way too caught up in myself and everything I want to be. The last couple of months I’ve been trying to re-start myself. To learn how see the beauty in here and now, in what I’ve got at this very moment. I’ve been practicing awareness, to not worry about the future or my past. I’ve learned how to take the time to just go outside with no purpose, just take one step in front of the other and simply enjoy breathing. I’ve forced myself to sit down in a dark room and just be. Be me, and not panic at that thought. And little by little, step by step, I started to feel calmer and safer. That constant stomach ache from worrying, the stressing about everything I thought I needed to do and needed to be got weaker every day until I woke up in the morning with a smile, actually grateful and excited to get to experience myself one more day.
But lately I’ve been way too caught up in the long list of things I need to do, and somewhere between the worrying and the will to be so much more, I slipped back to old habits. Slowly, without noticing, I learned how to ignore the stomach ache telling me to slow down.
I’ve been so lost in the mission of finishing all these projects I’m working on, and at 4am this morning I found myself fallen on the floor, tired and exhausted. Crying with no idea why and a nausea so strong that I wanted to throw myself out the window. I felt lonely and powerless and cursed myself for ever thinking that I could achieve all these things. I then decided to take a break in the ’becoming something more’ .
Suddenly, I realized I was really determined to learn how to be me and be happy with the life I’ve been given. I was tired of spending my life on always striving for something more. I wanted to learn how to be grateful and proud of the life I’ve built for myself and all the beautiful things and people it consists of. I wanted to be one of those people who could find beauty in the most simple things. I wanted to live in simplicity where there are no ordinary moments. To be aware. But somewhere in-between the battle within myself, my past, expectations from myself and other people and the old habit of distracting myself from my thoughts with work, I slowly forgot these things little by little. I stopped going outside with no purpose every morning, to simply breathe. I forgot to close the door and shut of the computer once a day. I forgot that is my life and I’m letting it pass me by.
Sometimes you get lost, sometimes you lose track of the path you’re trying to stay on, and sometimes you need to just take the long way back home to remember the difference between being home and being lost. It’s okay to have big goals and dreams, to fight and push and work hard, but sometime you need to close the door, turn the light off and just sit on the floor and be utterly empty. Collect all your thoughts and pieces of yourself that you’re carelessly throwing around during the days. You need to get back to being a whole being. Not a mind, a heart and a body - but one single being, connected and in harmony.
There was a time when I blamed all my struggles and worries on this world, but I’m learning that the world has nothing to do with me. This is all about me and my mind. Every time I find myself cursing my position in this world, I realize that I’m feeling angry and detached because I’m back to hating on myself, hating my body and hating my limitations. My own self-hatred is the root to all my limitations.
I’m learning how to love myself, because how can I expect someone else to like me, the world to accept me, if I don’t? So today, I will close the door, turn the computer off, turn the light of and place myself on the floor. I will collect myself and all these pieces I’m throwing around to every person who’s willing to take it, and remember that I am me, and that is enough. That is okay.